The Realization of Knowing Absolutely Nothing (Intelligence)

How do you tell someone you love more than anything in the world that you can’t be with them?

How do you tell someone you won’t miss them when they leave?

How do you tell someone you’ve known their darkest secret all along?

How do you tell someone you truly hate the person they have become?

How do you tell someone you fear the person they will one day become?

I searched for the answers,

And found,

An ex-girlfriend,

A mother,

A father,

A brother,

A close friend,

Myself…

Is it that the question can’t be answered, or that I fear the answer?

A question in itself, can IT be answered, or can I not handle the truth I beg by asking?

The questions are never ending,

Because the answers are not truths, but opinions.

What Could've Been... (Revision)

May 7, 2011, my first breath as your child, the last time I’ll ever consider you a mother.

April 16, 2012, I take my first steps, towards the syringe on the kitchen table; I just want something to play with.

May 7, 2012, my first birthday, but not the first time you tell me you wish I was never born after my crying scares a “John” away.

February 3,2013, my first word, momma, kind of ironic that the first thing I say is something I will never know. 

October 31, 2014, my first time trick or treating, I am just glad I can finally enjoy a meal.

September 20, 2017, first grade, Ms. Flaherty says I don’t pay enough attention in class. She asks why you never return her phone calls.

June 18, 2023, my first crush, I wonder why he never returns my calls?

February 14, 2025, my first valentine, he wants me to blow him but I just want to make out.  He tells everyone I fucked him anyway.

March 23, 2027, my first love, a made up feeling that represents an emotion guys use to fuck me, and then leave. I guess me and you have similar taste in men.

June 25, 2029, my first time realizing I am completely fucked, at 18 I have no diploma, no job, no boyfriend, no mother, you don’t even know who my father is, and no future.

June 26, 2029, I make it official that I have no future with 1500 mg of what killed our relationship.

January 16, 2011, the decision to die could’ve been my own, instead the coat hanger made it for me.

What Could've Been...

My hair, strawberry blonde,

My eyes, sky blue,

My adolescence, filled with resentment,

My teenage years, ruined by heartbreak,

My adulthood, spent escaping reality,

My mind, warped by society,

My body, destructed by drugs,

My life, ended by an overdose

You, my savior,

The decision to die, my own,

Instead, you made it for me…

He Who Is Not I

Go ascend now my dear atop the pedestal upon which he has placed you,
Higher than any my loving hands could build.
And when you spiral down my beloved,
Like a gift from heaven,
Your bright silk gown flailing as your parachute,
Know it is I and not him, who will be there to break your fall.
Impossible to prevent the ache, only attempt to relinquish it.
Impossible to prevent the tears, only wipe them from your drowning eyes.
Lay your precious head upon this pillow I bestow. 
Accepting of only that which holds an immediate benefit to you,
A quality which my heart lacks.
Gazing at the oncoming dawn,
A deep trance with what appears to be the only guarantee,
For nothing else in life seems certain,
Besides heartbreak.
But even that has its flaw, in that it is not indefinite.
I can feel the throbbing in your chest, as I lie beside you.
My thought process causes an extended silence between us,
I have told you I loved you so many times before,
Except my mouth was closed.
And as for the next time you descend tranquilly from the starry night sky,
Your limp body crashing against the harsh wind, convinced this painful plunge is your fate,
You can be assured that my arms will be extended, patiently awaiting your arrival.

My Last Relationship (Revision)

Blanket on the mountain top, snow,

Sun's reflection in the frozen lake below,
Sweat falls from temple to cold shoulder,
Your warm embrace is one step closer,

Paint it all black,
True colors visible in the darkness,
I hide in the shadows,
Of this never ending tunnel,

The depth of a setting,

Emotions felt, the absence of color,
The relief of venting,
Feelings left, the presence of an old lover...